A Graduates guide on how not to get a job
Posted on Friday, July 7, 2017 by Venn Group — No comments
You’ve just graduated. You’re heading out into the world of employment but are not sure full-time work is for you. Sound familiar? Below are ten easy to follow steps which should guarantee that you don’t get that job that you didn’t really want in the first place!
PHASE 1: THE CV
You’ve been forced to put a CV together to prove that you’re making an effort. Here’s what to do:
- Don’t tailor your CV to the job
Applying for an IT sales role? Start your CV off with “I’m looking to start my career in the financial sector with my ultimate goal being to gain my ACCA qualification in the next few years and become a qualified accountant”.
- Ignore spell check and don’t format
The more red and green squiggly lines the better and for bonus points refuse to capitalise your i’s. Really hammer home the fact you don’t want a job by spelling your degree subject incorrectly, write the whole CV as an essay or include absolutely no punctuation.
- Make yourself uncontactable
Ideally put a number and email at the top of your CV but make sure that the number only has 10 digits and the email is spelt incorrectly. If the company can’t contact you then you can’t get a job! Simple.
- Send them the wrong document
If you must apply for a role then make sure you don’t actually send your CV. Blank documents work well, recipes are also effective or perhaps just some university course work from 2 years ago.
PHASE 2: THE TELEPHONE INTERVIEW
Despite your best efforts, a company has responded to your application saying they want to have a chat with you about the role. Here’s what to do:
- Do no research on the role/company
Claim this is your dream job, that it’s all you’ve ever wanted to do, then make it clear you don’t know a single thing about the role or the company including where they’re located. Perhaps even claim you don’t recognise the company name and question them as to whether you did actually apply.
Only answer their questions with one word answers. Also make sure you’re eating something (ideally crunchy) while they speak. If the call has been arranged for a specific time, make sure you’re in the busiest place possible. For the holy grail of putting the caller off, flush the toilet mid telephone call…….
PHASE 3: THE FACE TO FACE
Things haven’t gone to plan. You’ve been invited for a face to face interview with the company at their office. Don’t panic yet though, there are still plenty of ways to make sure you don’t get the job.
Ideally also sweaty and out of breath. Don’t plan your journey ahead of time, don’t leave a 30 minute window and pray for traffic/public transport problems.
Interviewing for a corporate office job in the city on a hot day? Wear shorts. Another great technique is to not take your coat off to make it clear that you’re ready to leave before they’ve asked the first question.
- Talk them as if they’re you’re best mate…and you’re in a pub
If you’re a guy being interviewed by a male go with mate or bro. If it’s a female, go with love. If you’re a female, just stick with calling everyone babe.
- Act like you’re sitting on your couch at home
Keep your phone on the table and periodically check it to make it clear you have more important things to be doing. Bring a fizzy drink in with you and refuse to get up and shake hands when the interviewer walks in.
If you have followed the above steps, congratulations you didn’t get the job! However if the company has offered you a position, maybe it’s because you did the exact opposite to most of these points, thought ahead and showed some initiative. If this is the case, we can’t be held accountable, we tried to help!
Jonathan Pierce and Francesca Gribben, Venn Group